Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
17 year olds will be the death of me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
