whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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