I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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