I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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