I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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