Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
