I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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