Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
And then he peed in my hair
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