just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
