love makes seman taste better
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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