Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
