the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
