I will die if light touches me.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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