Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My vagina is officially offended.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
