On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
