he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
