One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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