So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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