dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
