there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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