what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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