just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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