remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Someone came in the potted fern
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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