You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Randomize
