I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
