We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I could make wine with my vomit
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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