oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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