I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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