my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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