I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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