she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
