dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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