I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Moan for me like Helen Keller
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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