I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
