Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We don't watch enough power rangers
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
