I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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