You're a womanizer and a bitch.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
