I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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