I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
