At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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