This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
