i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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