I think I won the penis lottery.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
