I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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