I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
