remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
