I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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