So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
