she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I met the friendliest cop last night
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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