If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
